


the biggest lie i ever told and how my wife helped me protect it

by isaacmclahey



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, also i feel like peanut m&ms are practically a character of their own here, minor wynonna, peanut fuckin butter, this is based off a tumblr post i swear the tags make sense lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 03:39:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13941807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaacmclahey/pseuds/isaacmclahey
Summary: based on a post on tumblr abt not liking peanut butter, so lying and saying you're allergic to peanuts, but actually you still fucking love peanut m&m's, so you gotta eat them in secret (link in fic)short thing about waverly vs peanut butter and nicole being her accomplice in the whole debacle





	the biggest lie i ever told and how my wife helped me protect it

_The biggest lie I ever told, and how my wife came to protect it_

 

Waverly Earp had never liked peanut butter. It was weird, gloopy, and coarse, and just never tasted right in her mouth, lingering on her tongue for hours. For years, she endured school sandwiches made with the stuff, and, as much as she tried to scrape it off and just eat the jelly, she could never quite escape it.

When she got to High School, she decided enough was enough; no longer was she going to have to defend herself from “have you just tried it, though” or “come on, peanut butter’s great!”, when she kept every gram of it at barge-pole length. She changed her story.

_No, sorry, I’m actually allergic_.

A whole world was suddenly available; new sandwich fillings, no stern conversations about ‘not wasting food’, no more insistence of ‘just try it’ – she was _free_.

However, this was not the ultimate solution, as the one thing that Waverly Earp could not resist was peanut M&M’s. In such a small village, it was hard to get away with buying the chocolate without someone reminding her she was allergic (especially the nosey shopkeeper), so she had to save herself for trips to the nearest town, and bulk buying to bring back and eat in secret.

It was the pettiest secret in terms of the danger it posed to anyone, but to Waverly, it was important. Wynonna had simply turned to her one day when she overheard Waverly say it, remarked her surprise that she hadn’t remembered that, and then just shrugged and accepted it as fact. The younger sister had even prepared a whole speech for if Wynonna questioned her, prepared to guilt trip her with “you just never pay any attention to me”, and “you wouldn’t even care if I died!?”, but thankfully, they were never necessary.

So, the village was fooled, her sister was fooled, and Waverly got to eat her peanut M&M’s in peace, in bed, usually whilst reading or watching TV after a long shift. It was a peaceful life, an innocent one, and a weirdly personal tradition Waverly took pride in.

This changed, however, when she started seeing Nicole Hault; that’s the thing about dating a Police Officer, there’s no such thing as a secret. Not for long, anyway.

 

“Honey, where are you?”

Waverly snapped out of her reverie, and slammed the kitchen cupboard shut, panicking, and throwing all the M&M’s in her hand into the nearby bin, but not having enough time to find something to engage herself with when her girlfriend walked through the kitchen door. Immediately, Nicole knew something was up – it would be hard not to, with Waverly looking like a deer in the headlights – but she didn’t say anything, and instead just leaned on the door-frame and waited.

This was the kind of torture Waverly couldn’t stand.

“Hey, babe.” Waverly greeted, nervously, but a small part of her brain was telling her that she couldn’t cross the kitchen to kiss her girlfriend, because she’d smell the peanut on her breath and ask questions. _Could she eat something else in the time frame before she and Nicole got too close_? “How was your day?”

“Nothing unusual.” Nicole had removed her hat, and now had her head tilted to one side, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. This made Waverly even more nervous, although she couldn’t particularly find a good reason to _not_ tell Nicole, other than she’d kept up this charade for so long, she couldn’t possibly let it slide now. “What’s up, Waves?”

“Nothing.” She said, immediately, and then regretted it. She watched as her girlfriend’s mouth pulled into a smile, and she started to walk towards her, Waverly starting to back up into the kitchen cabinet she’d just closed.

Licking her lips, Nicole drew up close to Waverly, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek, before pausing at Waverly’s hesitance.

“Is there something you want to talk to me about?”

With the police uniform still on, Nicole radiated a much more authoritative vibe than she would have done otherwise, and – well – it was working.

“I-” Waverly shook her head, and Nicole backed off smoothly, leaning on the counter opposite with a curious expression, but not saying anything, giving her girlfriend time to talk. “Okay. Here goes.” She looked up at her girlfriend, with what she hoped were big, forgiving, puppy-dog eyes. “I, er, might not be _as_ allergic to peanut butter – well, peanuts – as I’d previously…made out, that I was.”

Confusion clouded Waverly’s mind as she tried to process the laugh that was coming out of Nicole.

“Oh, are we finally gonna talk about the mountain of peanut M&M’s stashed around the corner of the Tupperware cupboard?” Nicole asked, still smirking, but she’d stopped laughing at least, and she drew herself back closer to Waverly after putting her hat on the counter. She slid her arms around Waverly’s waist, and kissed her on the forehead, before looking at her in the eye and continuing, “Babe, I’ve known about that for a year and a half. Since we moved in together. And to be honest, I had my suspicions even when we were dating. You _never_ checked packets for peanut allergy info.”

“Rookie mistake.” Waverly replied, finally smiling back, the surge of a relief almost a surprise. Who knew a peanut butter secret would lay into her so hard? “Not gonna lie, I’m still proud of myself for lasting this long without slipping up. And let’s be real, you _never_ go in the Tupperware cupboard, it was a smart hiding place.”

“True. I think I’ve been in there twice in my life and one of them was to confirm that it was the suspected M&M dumping ground.”

“Exactly.” Waverly took that praise and ran with it. “You gotta give me points for at least picking a good spot.”

“Hundreds of points.” Nicole replied, softly, before kissing Waverly gently, much more tenderly than she usually did after a day at work.

They kissed for a little whilst longer before Nicole couldn’t stand the overwhelming peanut-taste any longer, and they broke apart, going about their evening as usual, and finally, _finally_ , Waverly had someone to share her secret with.

 

In the years after that, through dates and weddings and dinner parties, there had been many occasions when other people had almost found out about the petty peanut-butter fiasco, but between the pair of them, Waverly and Nicole managed to keep it under wraps.

The most important time that this came in handy was during events, such as celebrations or parties.

For example, Nicole’s colleague had just gotten engaged, so they were having dinner with them and a few other members of the police department to celebrate. After dinner, the couple brought through a few snacks, including a giant bowl of peanut M&M’s, and suddenly all Waverly could think about was digging her hand into the bowl, and eating the entire handful.

She made eye contact with Nicole, who smiled in sympathy, but they both knew that there was no way this intimate gathering wouldn’t notice, especially after allergies had become a topic of discussion over dinner, to the point where Nicole’s colleague had put the peanut M&M’s on the opposite side of the coffee table to Waverly, presumably out of caution. For the next two hours, Waverly sat, amicably making conversation with the people around her, but internally dying just to have some _god damned M &M’s_.

Conversations were almost torture, the waiting was painful, but finally Nicole and Waverly left, and Waverly couldn’t sit still on the drive home, just thinking about her peanut M&M’s in the cupboard. Her wife was clearly trying not to laugh at her impatience, but hey, _in sickness and in health_.

When they finally reached the house, however, Nicole pulled Waverly aside in the hallway, before she could make it to the kitchen.

“I have something for you.” She said, quietly, reaching into her pocket and placing something in Waverly’s nearby hand.

Or rather, many something’s.

“Oh my God.” Waverly’s face split into a grin, staring down at the multicoloured chocolates in her hand, clearly lifted from the engagement dinner. “When- how-”

“I’m a Police Officer, I know how to commit crime better than anyone.” Nicole breezed, but she was grinning too, thrilled at the effect her gesture had had on her wife. “I’ve got at least two more handfuls in here if you’re lucky.”

“I love you.” Waverly blurted out, before she could stop herself, kissing her wife firmly before starting to stuff the M&M’s in her mouth and climbing the stairs to bed, motioning for Nicole to follow her. This became a regular occurrence anywhere that had the treat available, even if it was just taking the 1 M&M they could get away with; it was a dumb tradition born out of love, and foolishness, but the pair never gave it up.

 

The biggest lie Waverly had ever told definitely took some working around, some sneakiness and some regret, there was no doubt about it. However, enlisting the help of her wife in her adventures definitely helped, and there it was the biggest form of proof – throughout all the arguments and tears that they endured – that this was true love, and it was meant to last.

Much like Waverly’s eternal love of peanut M&M’s.

**Author's Note:**

> this is source; http://rue-by-another-name.tumblr.com/post/171604911476/the-biggest-lie-i-ever-told-how-my-husband-came
> 
> lol sorry not sorry, i haven't written fanfic in a year but i saw this and just felt An Urge lmao (tumblr's wililamherondale)


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